Waking Sleep (part one)

I’m trying to explain quantum physics to Homer Simpson when Shirley Maclaine comes in wearing this Aztec headress and invites me on a seal cull. We’re culling away when I look down and see one of the baby seals has the face of Linda McCartney. I am overcome by horror and pity. So is shirley. We both decide to stop culling, but our arms act idenpendently of our minds, and go on culling anyway!

Shirley invites me to her chalet. Despite the fact she is old and haggish I want to have sex with her. I climb on top. It is like scaling a minature everest. I must plant my flag. I look in my rucksack but I’ve forgotten it. All I have is an old analog tape recorder. So I plant that. I can hear shirley breathing heavily. Her great old tits heaving with continetal drift. I think she is reaching her ‘climax’. QUICK! RUN!

Two

I go back to my flat and there are are all these buddhist monks in my living room, drinking lager and watching the miss world contest on TV. Miss Guatemala is acceptping the crown. “I intend to use the prize money to help the indigenous orphans of the sub-continet to put on shakespeare so they might come to grips with the metaphysical nature of reality.” The monks disgust me because all they are interested in is getting her panties off. I go into my room and fume. Fume, fume. Finally I can’t take it anymore. I burst into the living room. “WILL YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FLAT YOU BUDDHIST BASTARDS!!! The monks shut up instantly and hang their heads in shame. Then they all troop out a bit like the Von Trapp family. I am overcome with remorse. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. The price of beef. Mean annual rainfall.” They ignore me. I sit down in the empty room. The announcer on tv says, “And now we present, ‘The lonely Planet.’” I pick up the TV set and smash it, on the floor. Sit down again. Feel bored. “Hello? Curry’s? I’d like to order a new tv.”

Three

The next morning I had a letter. ‘To whom it may concern’. The dog on the boat seen by the chief of ppolice was not an alsatian but a labarador. This was ascertained by the unusual method of reading egg yolks. Yours sincerely, a well wisher. I noticed the letter was written on transparent paper that smelled of … poo. I remembered I was going on holiday so a phoned a taxi. Ten mins later I opened my door. Standing there was a black man with a white stick wearing wrap around sun glasses. I said to him, “Are you the man with the platinum moulding on his inlaid encription of brass forget me nots!!!!!!!!!!????????????? “No”, he said. “I’m the cab driver. Airport?” “Yes”. He began to tap his way down the corridor. “Hang on a minute! (Pause.) How much will it cost? “£5”.“O.k.” He tapped his way to the car. A bright yellow mini. I had a lot of trouble squeeing in with my enormus suitcase. Once inside I began to feel apprehensive. Fear crawled inside we like a box of snakes all writhy and slimy. (Even tho, snakes are not slimy.)
we moved off very fast carreering down the road in the bright sunshine the black man starring athis feet! Nitemare premonitions of mutilation and car crash negativeness hemmed me in form all sides. I was sweating pigishly and I was as tense as a schoolgirl at a paedophiles convention.
Suddenly another yeloow mini bumped into us. The black man slammed to a halt, wound down his window and said, “Can’t you see where you’re going you blind bastard?!” At last we arrived. Call me churlish but I didn’t tip him.

Four

I entered through the automatic double doors into the airport. Inside it was like a big cathedral. Big glass windows let in shafts of coloured light. Directly facing me were rows of check in altars.
Hundreds of people were queing up to check in. An announcement. Will all passengers for flight 616 to malaga now sing hymn number 55, ‘there is a green hill far away, on which we will not crash’. I checked my pocket for my flight details. Flight 616 Crash Airlines. Seat 616 at 6.16. I looked up for the baord. No board. Instead in the middle of the concourse I saw a big neolithic stone plinth. On it were carved various flight details. Flight 616 – Amsterdam. Death airlines. No delays. Flight 616 – Brussels, Skull Airways, no delays. And there was mine! And no delays! I checked my watch. It was 4.16. 2 hours to go. I dragged my heavy suitcase to the check in altar queue. In front of me was a man, a fat couple, 2 giraffes, 2 young female backpackers, and a young guy in a tee shirt with a picture of Mary Whitehouse stenciled on the front. The giraffes were arguing. G1. “Did you take your air sickness pills? G2. “Yes. Of course I did. Don’t nag. G1. “I’m not nagging.” G2. “Yes you are.” G1. “No I’m not. You know what you’re like though.” G2. “And what am I like?” G1. “You know.” G2. “No. I do not know.Tell me.” G1. “Oh. What’s the point? You’ll only get into one of your funny moods.” G2. “I am not in a funny mood!” G1. “I didn’t say you were in one. I said you’d get into one.” G2. “Well. I am not going to get into one.” G1. “Ha. You’re in one already.” This went on until it was my turn to check in. Behind the check in altar was a woman in the Crash Airlines uniform. A kind of white shroud with rips, tears, oil stains and burn holes. She eyed me with bored contempt. “Any luggage?” “Just this heavy suitcase.” I deposited it on the runners. She busily typed into her computer and spoke without looking up. “It’s not heavy enough.” “What?” “Your suitcase. Couldn’t you have brought anything else?” “Well. I don’t know. It does contain my entire wardrobe. A set of encyclopedias. My dumbells. And an automatic washing machine.” She wasn’t impressed. She sighed. I’ll let it through this time but next time try and bring heavier stuff.” “Yes. I will. Heavier stuff.” She attached labels and it was whisked off.She handed me back my passport. “Here you are sir. Enjoy your flight with Crash Airlines.” “I will. Thank you.”

Five

In the middle of the concourse a short fat man up ended his suitcase, stood on it and addressed the assembled trippers.“Ahem.” Everyone turned to pay close attention to him. Some angelic looking children sat at his feet.“Fellow trippers.The public is like a giant ameoba. High volume but low intelligence. Like baby birds responding to the shape of a mother’s beak. An animal that just sees in broad outlines. Icons. Labels. It’s a moronic monster sucking up it’s low rent offal through a tv tube to be digested and magically transformed into more inertia. More prejudice. More religious fanaticism. More blind pig ignorance. Listen trippers. Do you think Shakespeare’s hamlet made difference? Imagine emptying a teaspoon in the ocean. Imagine adding one grain of sand to the desert. Imagine one more galaxy in the cosmos. And why? Because everything people do is based on fear. FEAR. Our anxiety to identify. To be part of the cow-like crowd. This is our primal fear. The fear of a child confronted with a dark cellar where monsters lurk. Or like Norman Bates, to assuage his fear of being motherless. I.E. and unknown thing. He becomes his own mother, or identifies with her. That is his folly. The folly of indulging in his fear. So we must control our folly. Feel our fear. Or rather realise that we have no identity. And that has a meaning because it means that being nothing, or NO-thing,we have nothing to defend and can therefore relax. Be happy. As the song says. Accept formlessness. Newness. Like a child’s game. Invented to serve the needs of the moment and nothing more.” There was dead silence. A youngish woman wearing a tee shirt that said FCUK, coughed and put her hand over her mouth. The fat man steped down off his suitcase, picked it up, and walked off. The crowd dispersed. I looked to my right. Around the neolithic plinth some hippies were dancing, dressed in flowers and singing songs to Mother Earth. They seemed to be full of love and happiness. The security guards arrived and had a word with them. Quite politely. The hippies pulled faces but moved off anyway. One of the security guards removed some flowers from the plinth. To my left were the duty free shops. I wandered over there.

Six

Inarticulate wounds
Inarticualte wounds
They mumble nothings
In the dawn
As the noon-tide pricks
In the dead of day
They mumble nothings
Always
Always

I noticed this printed on the side of a fashionable woman’s carrier bag as I walked towards the area demarcated for purchasing duty free goods. Entering I saw a tallish, over-made up, woman standing behind a counter on which the word FOREBEARANCE was written.
I went up to her and ---


Six

Whispering bones
Whispering bones
They whisper secrets
In the dawn
As the noon-tide pricks
In the dead of day
They whisper secrets
Always
Always


I saw this written on a poster round a pillar as I walked to the place in the airport especially for purchasing duty free goods. I went in and saw a rather plain woman standing behind a prom-
omotion for SOMNOLENCE, which I presumed was a new fragrance. At that moment I distincly smelt something very similar to burning flesh. I went up to the promotion woman and said, “Can you smell that?” “Yes,” she said. “It’s the new fragrance by Kolin Clone. Somnolence.” “No. Not that. That smell of burning flesh?” She sniffed. “There is no smell of burning flesh,” she said flatly. I looked to my left and saw something that shocked me deeply.It was a little orange ball of fire hovering about 6 inches off the floor.“Look at that!” I said. She looked. A bored expression on her face. “Oh those. We get those all the time in here. A problem with the air conditioning.”
She picked up a bottle shaped like a small bed. “Would you care to try somnolence sir? It combines the scent of reed marshes with the odour of pomegranets and the perfume of stags in season.” I took it, pulled back the lid which was a bed cover and had a good sniff, all the time keeping my eye on the science fiction type ball of fire hovering next to me 6 inches off the ground. To me it smelt of poo. Nasty horibble stinkly bottom poo. I told her. She snatched the bottle off me and placed it carefully back on the promotion. “Somnolence does not smell of poo,” she said looking away. Then she turned her back on me and began fixing something on the stand. The ball of fire moved off to the left so I followed it. It led me round a corner, down some stairs and into an alcove. There was a bucket on the floor which it hovered over. The bucket had a lid. I bent down to open the lid, the ball of fire obligingly flying off to the left. I had another shock. The bucket was full to the brim of severed human ears. I could quite easily see they were real and not something concocted for a joke shop or some other kind of schoolboy jape. I took one out. I noticed that the lobe had been peirced. I had a feeling of complete revulsion and dropped it back in the bucket. I looked around. The ball of fire had vanished. I decided that I had better report this horrific article to the relavent authorities so that steps could be taken. Just exactly what steps, I didn’t know. But steps, nevertheless.

Seven

I looked at my watch. 4.55. Less than 2 hours before my flight. But then I had second thoughts. Should I report the ears? Might I not get delayed and miss my flight. I sat down on an airport seat to think. Next to me was lying a newspaper. I read the headline. CORNED BEEF BARON BACKS SPAM. There was also a story about a supermodel and a popstar who were going to have a quiet wedding in the country. How nice, I thought. Now they will be happily married instead of living for kicks in the show-biz fast lane. Then my mind went back to the severed ears. I thought of the owners of those ears. What foul evil machinations had they obviously fallen fowl of? And who would be next? Moi?! I jumped to my feet. “Oh! Conscience will make cowards of us all!!” A badly dressed couple turned to stare at me. I smiled. At the main desk I reported the ears. “What?! A bucket of severed ears! But that is absolutely horrific!” To her colleagues. “Listen everyone. This customer has found a bucket of severed human ears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Shock, consternation and horror amongst the colleauges. They all began milling about and bumping into each other. I motioned and they all followed. Once we were at the bucket and I removed the lid to show them the actual ears it was the same but much worse, with hair pulling, hand ringing, tears, and one woman, obviously a senior person wearing a bigger hat, began raging inarticulately, grinding her teeth and denouncing the perpetrators of such vile ungodly acts as being vile and ungodly. Then she fainted and someone rushed off for the smelling salts which were in the medical cabinet in the main office apparently. Then some nearby customers came over and it was the same routine with them, and a doctor appeared and pronounced the ears to be definitely of human origin, and that sent more shock waves through the now growing crowd and at that moment, I really do think, if someone had produced a guilty party, they would have strung him up on the spot. Such was the fervour of their moral outrage. However, one enterprising customer,named Mr Omer, ransacked his lugage and put together a very presentable effigy, which, on a pile of suitcases, commandeered from the lost luggage office, they proceeded to burn whilst dancing around it and hooting like savages. I choose this moment to creep off. It was 5.15 and I wanted to get a meal before my flight.

Eight

The restaurant area was to the left. It was the Guilt Free Guzzelor chain. There were two restaurants to choose from done out with contrasting décor. The first one was Sultan’s Palace. Lush draperies, huge chandeliers, sweeping staircases and sprouting palms with the staff in flowing arab robes. The other was Concentration Camp Chic. Low ceilinged huts with cramped little booths, in uniform grey, surrounded by barbed wire and sentry towers all in minature. The staff in striped pyjamas and shaven heads. I chose the C.C.C. as it seemed to be the fullest. I sat at a table and the waitress handed me a menu.
MENU
Old testament stew
Hindu dumplings
Koran Quiche with chips
Fillet of Catholic sole
Protestant Hake
Zen burgers with chips

Dessert
Sufi crumble with real dairy cream

There seemed to a sort of religious element to the dishes. I asked the waitress. “No”, she said. “That’s not a religous element. That really is Old Testament Stew. It’s made from a 100% prophets” she said, her eyes gleaming. “Right. I’ll have the Zen burgers. With salad and chips.” I felt a bit miffed. No religious element. I’d been looking forward to that. On the next table were the Giraffes, tucking into some Hindu Quiche. “But you always complain about the hotel room.” “I do not always complain about the hotel room, and besides, the hotel rooms are always bad.” “No they’re not. And besides, what do you expect on our budget?” “Very little my dear. Very little.” “Oh. Now we’re onto your ‘my dear’ reaction.” “My dear!” He stopped short and screwed up his long thin mouth. “I am not onto my ‘my dear’ reaction.” She caught my eye and smiled. I smiled back. “And where are you flying to?” Smiling she said, “I do not see that is any business of yours.” “No. and we’d thank you to keep your nose out of our affairs!” Phut! Really. The manners of some people. I’d a good mind to tell them about the severed ears. I sat there stewing as the waitress bought me a plate of Old Testament Stew. “But…but…but…” I looked at my watch. 5.31! “Oh. Never mind.” I tried to gulp in down quickly but the meat was as tough as old boots. As I sat eating there was an announcement. Will all staff report to the kitchen for todays selection. A sweet young japanese waitress standing near my table dropped some Old Testament stew which crashed noisly to the floor. Then there was dead silence. With a bowed head and a defeated attitude she began to clear it up while the supervisor stood over her glaring. I finished my stew, said goodbye to the giraffes and made my way to security to board my plane.

Nine
As I passed the bookstand I noticed the new novel by Winton Zamizz on display. ‘House of Bondage’. I picked it up and read the opening sentence.
‘Entering into the effulgent light of that sequestered park where the fractious magpies chattered derisively, Sorbett knew a moment’s transitory repose in the burgeon and bluster of his all too eviscerated existence.’ --- Yes. excellent prose as always! An author I fervently admired. Known as he was for his humility and forthright criticisms of our barren, irresponsible and laddish culture. His was a lone voice of integrity in our over commercialised world. My most ardent wish would be to actually meet the great man. Ah, dreams, dreams! I put down the book and hurried to security. I stood patiently waitng my turn. As I went through the alarm went off sounding like some high pitched bird- call of some amazonian species I was unfamiliar with. The security woman was chatting with a friend as she ran her hands over my body. She seemed to spend a long time searching my groin area. I could feel myself becoming sexually excited. Oh no! Embarrassment surged through me like chardonay through a literary convention. Excruc-
iating! And now she got the big paddle and was running that up my inside leg. And all the time chatting about her sister-in-laws masectomy, quite oblivious to the effect she was having on me. Visions of my penis ripping through my zip and spurting orgasmically all over the front of her brand new sterilised uniform plauged my mind and cast me into a house of bondage much worse than any Zamuzz could have imagined. But then she stopped and passed me thru. I went straight to the toilet to adjust my clothing. Coming out into the departure lounge proper I saw that it was a huge dimly lit cave. I could hear the distinct sound of dripping water as I stood with the rest of the passengers. No seating was provided. Then I noticed primitive cave paintings on the greenish and slimy walls. Pictures of antelopes and wildebeests being hunted by primitve stick men. Not exactly Van Gough but still good. A primitive man standing next to me said; “I know an awful lot about art, but I never know what I like. Take these for example. I can’t decide wether to applaud them for there innocennce and child-like wonder or deride them for there lack of technique and obvious over simplification of a vastly more complicated theme.” “Please,” I said. “Don’t burden me with the rubbish going on in that thick head of yours! I don’t have time for that twaddle!” I hadn’t planned to say this. It just seemed to jump out of my mouth. The man screwed up his lips, put his hands in his pockets and stalked off. Presently my flight was announced and I proceeded down a cave tunnel with quite a high roof and a sloping floor, to my plane.